| POSITION:
Mom
Wanted!
* TO ALL OF YOU MOMS OUT THERE!
POSITION: Mom
JOB DESCRIPTION:
Long term team players needed for challenging
permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must
possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be
willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and
weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel
required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy
weekends and endless sports tournaments in faraway cities. Travel
expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES:
For the rest of your life. Must be willing to be
hated at least temporarily, until someone needs $5 to go skating.
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the
physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph
in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the
backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face
stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair,
mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone
calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple
homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social
gatherings or clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be
willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million
cheap, plastic toys and battery-operated devices. Must always hope
for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final,
complete accountability for the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work
throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR
ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION: Virtually none. Your job
is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining,
constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your
charge can ultimately surpass you.
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:
None required, unfortunately. On-the-job
training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
You pay them, offering frequent raises and
bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the
assumption that college will help them become financially
independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest
thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it
and wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS: While
no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition
reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered, job
supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs
for life if you play your cards right.
Forward this on
to all the Mom's you know, in appreciation for
everything they do on a daily basis, and let them know they are
appreciated.
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